Monday, August 11, 2014

Monday Maunder: Breaking My Silence


For today's Monday Maunder, I had every intention of talking about my latest life and reading updates.  I had planned to tell you that our car was declared a total loss from the accident that occurred earlier this month.  Then, I planned to chat about some of my recent reads, including a re-read of the first two books in the All Souls Trilogy.  However, after the news broke about the death of Robin Williams and his suspected suicide, I felt compelled to take my weekly ramblings in a different direction.  I do it not to capitalize on the latest chatter that is circulating around the web, but to do it for my own healing.  I do it because I can speak from first-hand experience on this topic.  And, I do it because I am finally beginning to find my voice to address my own devastating loss.

On May 3, 2012, I received the tragic news that I lost my own father.  I addressed it very briefly on the blog here a couple weeks after the incident, but did not share any details.  On this fateful day, my father decided to take his own life.  He was a man that suffered from depression as long as I can remember, and it often went untreated despite my pleas for him to seek help.  Many had no idea the battles he fought on a daily basis, but I promise that they were there.  To complicate the situation, I was one of the first family members notified about his death and the one that lived the furthest away, halfway across the country.  I had to be the one to tell my mother (my father's wife of almost 35 years) about the news.  I had to be the one to tell my uncle and grandmother (my father's brother and mother).  I had never felt so exhausted and drained at the end of that day, and I never have since.  It is not something that I wish upon anyone.

In my first days and weeks following my father's death, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions.  I swung like a pendulum between sadness, guilt, and even anger.  Today, I still swing from one end of the spectrum to another, though it does not tend to be quite in the extremes as the first weeks after his death.  For the most part, I just miss the man that raised me, for better or for worse.  When my children pass one of their major milestones or speak some invaluable words, I still wish I could share the news with my father.  Even as I write this, tears come to my eyes and I can feel the knot in my chest tighten.  

In those days since my father made that fateful decision, I have had a lot of time to think about what we could have done differently.  I have had a number of experiences where people that know the details just don't know what to say or how to act.  I have had a number of people step away, pass judgment, and ultimately, make this situation even more difficult and complicated than it originally was.  Over the past two years, I have stayed silent about these experiences and my father's death in general.  I have done it because I didn't want the looks or the silence from others.  I have decided that it is time to change.

A few months ago, I decided to break my silence to my family and friends IRL.  I did this because I discovered the Out of the Darkness Walk courtesy of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, a community walk to help bring awareness to suicide and its prevention.  And, one of these walks was coming to the mountains I grew up in and the wilderness my father loved in Montana.  I knew as soon as I heard that I needed to create a team in my father's honor.  It was time to speak out and possibly help prevent losing others in this devastating way.  It was time to speak out against the stigma and remind people of the life my father led; not the death that brought his end.  

Depression hurts.  For someone struggling, it can feel like you are drowning in hopelessness and despair.  It can make you feel like you are suffocating, in pain from head to toe, and make you question your worth in every aspect of your life.  However, depression hurts those surrounded by it as well.  You want to help your loved one.  You would do just about anything to help them out of this "funk."  BUT, it's not a funk.  It's often not a stage that will pass.  It's a day-in, day-out exhaustion that often leaves you wanting out, no matter what.  I just want to let people know that there is help.   There is hope.  It can be easier to put on that fake smile than to ask for help.  In the long run though, it's worth it to ask for help.   Because suicide will take away all your future options and beauties, something as simple as a smile that you don't have to fake.

After months of planning, I will be facing my father's death head-on this Sunday at my first Out of the Darkness Walk.  I will be addressing this tragedy alongside many family and friends who have also lost a loved one in this way.  It is going to be hard.  There will likely be lots of tears shed.  I am anxious and nervous and maybe a little scared, but it is something that I have to do.  It is time to break my silence and do what I can to save future lives.

As for the incredible Robin Williams, I send my thoughts and empathy to his family, especially if the reports are true about the cause of his death.  These next days and weeks will not be easy for them.  I encourage them to express their grief, the whole roller coaster ride or pendulum that it may be.  And, I promise that the hurt does not go away.  It will remain, but it will always serve as a reminder of the man that they loved and will always hold in their heart.  

If you or someone you know is in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  You deserve a life worth living.

34 comments:

  1. I was in tears as I was reading this, Tif. I cannot imagine how hard it has been for you. I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure. It is heartening that you are doing the Walk in honor of your father and others who suffer/have suffered this devastating illness. Mental illness is very real, depression is very real. More people need to start recognizing it. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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    1. Michelle Miller ... Thank you so much. Over the last 24 hours, I have been shocked at some of the ignorant and harmful things that are being said about depression and suicide. It's truly time we talk about this out in the open.

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  2. Oh hon. I hear you and this must have been so tough to share. My entire family, mother, father and sister suffer from depression. My mother has attempted suicide many times. People that don't have to deal with it, have a hard time understanding it. It is a deep, dark pit of despair, a chemical imbalance and when they are in a downward spiral, they have little control over what they do.

    I am so sorry you lost your dad to depression. HUGS.

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    1. Ti ... Thank you. And, my heart goes out to you. You have faced this battle first-hand as well. I truly hope that by having these discussions that we can move beyond the stigmas and work in helping our loved ones heal.

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  3. It is definitely time to stop stigmatizing depression. It's not something that sufferers can just "get over". I'm so, so sorry that your dad suffered and that he eventually saw only one way out of it. There is depression in my family and I have family members that I am pretty regularly concerned about. It seems like there should be more open communication and less blame and trivializing. I do hope that the loss of Robin Williams today prompted at least a few people to make that call for help. I hope that sharing your story also helps others but mostly that it helps you to know that you are not alone. Good luck with your walk. ::hugs and love::

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    1. Kristen M. ... Thank you so much. I am hoping that the lines of communication can be opened and stay open. We need to keep this an ongoing conversation. Sadly, I have also seen the stigmas continue, but I will keep on fighting the fight.

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  4. Tif, I had no idea, and I'm sorry, not only for the loss but for the judgement of others.

    Good luck in the walk!

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    1. Mark Baker ... Thank you. I never expected the judgment. It truly took me by surprise.

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  5. And I thought I was done with the weepy for today. Ah, this is a sad post. I can't even imagine going through something like this, but I do imagine it all the time because as, just as other commenters have said, depression is in my family, specifically my son. And I worry all the time about him and what he might do. And we try and and try and try to get him help, but I never know what that exactly means, and if the help is helping, you know? It's so frustrating. And now, with your story and the Robin Williams news, it makes me wonder even if I manage to get him "grown up" and functioning in the world, it still won't be okay. Such a curse this depression thing! I hate it!

    Whew. What a vent-y comment. Hang in there Tif! Good luck on Sunday. Here's hoping it helps you in all the ways you are hoping for.

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    1. Suey ... Thank you. I love that you are continuing to seek help for your son. He needs to know that he is important and worthy of that help. With the death of Robin Williams, I feel like some of these wounds have been opened once again, and I truly want people to know that they are here for a reason, that they are important, and that there is help out there. Keep on seeking it.

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  6. I applaud your bravery for speaking out and letting your pain potentially help someone else. Robin Williams is a great example of the mask that we often put on depression. I have struggled with depression at several points in my life, as has my son. We have been through one suicide scare with him - when he confessed he started but, thank God, was not able to follow through.

    Thank you for speaking out and God bless you as you take this walk to help others. I hope it gives you some peace with your Dad's choice.

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    1. Tami ... Thank you for sharing your own story. The masks are real, and we really need to find a way to set them aside, rid the world of this stigma, and begin the healing process and finding help for everyone who needs it. Afterall, those masks make it also so hard to sometimes ask for the help that is needed.

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  7. You are so brave to share your story. What an awful experience to have to endure, not only the loss of him but having to tell your loved ones. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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    1. Tanya @ Moms Small Victories ... Thank you. I really want my story to help someone else, whether that may be to let someone know that they are not alone or to prompt someone to call the number and seek the help they need and deserve.

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  8. Depression is so hard, and it sucks so much. People just don't realize... and even those who do often don't know what to say or how to help. Even as someone who suffers from depression, I don't even know what to say. One of my favorite bloggers is a psychologist who was powerless to stop his own brother's suicide. I think that feeling of helplessness is part of the reason there's still such a stigma... not because people are deliberately sweeping it under the rug, but because how do we fight something we don't understand?

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    1. Charleen Lynette ... Yes. How do we fight something we don't understand and that is different for so many suffering, and often suffering silently and alone? I'm curious ... do you have a link to this blog you are referring to?

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    2. http://brainknowsbetter.com/news/2013/5/15/the-parallel-universe-where-my-brother-lives

      He blogs mostly about science fiction, but he does do more personal posts now and then, and this was one of the first that I read.

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    3. Charleen Lynette ... Thank you for sharing this. I'm off to read it right now.

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  9. It's rare I feel emotional enough about a celebrity to be brought to tears at their passing, but Robin Williams was a special man. I have cried for him and his family, especially this morning. Now I shed tears for you, Tif, and myself along with that. Not that I suffer from depression, but the man I love. He has attempted suicide about 7 or 8 times over the years, in different ways, one way: asphyxia. This all hits very close to home and it's a fear I live with all the time. Medication occasionally helps temporarily, but it can also worsen the situation 'cause he is not just depressed and the many things that trigger him can't change any time soon.

    That said, my prayers go out to you and your family hoping this process helps you heal. There's no way to avoid the pain, but hopefully you can all find a way to cope and move on from the grief oxox

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    1. writersideup.com ... Thank you so much, not only for your prayers but also for sharing your own experiences. There are so many contributing factors to depression and when you mention triggers, you hit it the nail right on the head. You are right. There is so much more to depression (and many other mental illnesses that lead to suicide) that we do not understand. It's just not mental, but also physical, spiritual, and environmental. And, it's a different combination for everyone. I'm hoping that if we can start having more open and honest conversations about this, maybe we can start moving in the right direction in finding help and healing before we all have to deal with more loss.

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  10. Hi TIf,
    Thanks for sharing your story as I sit here wiping tears from my eyes. Suicide and depression effects every family I know and I see it and deal with it on a daily basis so I know what you are going through. This walk sounds very healing so embrace the healing process and shed those tears and hug and love and be present in the moment. Wishing you well.

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    1. Laura Booksnob ... Thank you for your wonderful advice. The healing process is a long and hard road, but tears and hugs and love and being present will definitely help.

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  11. Oh, Tif. Thanks for sharing this story. It must have been difficult to share, and I can't imagine how difficult it was to live through. If anything good can come out of this tragedy, I hope it's to remind people that depression is an illness, and one that's imperfectly treatable and incredibly difficult to overcome. Hugs.

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    1. Jenny @ Reading the End ... You're welcome. You truly worded that well with "imperfectly treatable and incredibly difficult to overcome." So very, very true.

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  12. Tif, I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm also sorry that you were subjected to judgement. Depression is a serious illness and many times we have no idea what that person is really going through.

    I hope that the walk will help you with healing and cherish the memories you have of him. Death is a very difficult thing to deal with, especially if you loose someone in the manner that you have.

    I saw someone tweet this yesterday: "The cruel irony is that nobody wants to live more desperately than the suicidal person--to live a life, any life, other than their own." and it's so true.

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    1. Melinda ... You're welcome and thank you. That's a very accurate tweet. Do you remember who was the one to post it?

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  13. Fabulous is the wrong way to describe this post - but it is a great thing you've done - breaking the silence for the benefit of others. I have a long and personal history with mental illness. I shy away from addressing these things in the more public forums of the internet because of my job.

    I am sorry for your loss, but applaud you for what you have written here today.

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    1. April the Steadfast Reader ... Thank you so much. It was really hard to hit the publish button on this one, but I am truly glad that I did.

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  14. Tif, I am so in awe of you right now. This post is so brave and I am so proud I can call you my friend. Mental illness is so stigmatized and so few people understand it. They think it is just people throwing a pity party over a case of the blues. Oh, if only that were true. I have dealt with depression myself and know firsthand how very different it is. I want to give you the biggest hug right now.

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    1. Becca Lostinbooks ... Thank you so much. I will gladly take your hug and give you one right back. It's a difficult topic and disease, and we all need to be here for each other. No more stigmas please! Mental illness is real and it's time we start facing it head on.

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  15. Depression is frightening and so poorly understood, as is mental illness in general! I just saw your post now, and I hope the walk helped your own grieving and healing process, as well as raising awareness.

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    1. Laurie C ... You are so correct about depression and mental health in general. I cannot agree more. And, the walk went really well. I'm hoping to continue with it on an annual basis.

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  16. Beautiful post, Tuf. Thank you so much for linking to it from your Best If post - I wasn't online much for most of last year and missed reading this back then.

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    1. Belle Wong .., Thank you. I'm glad you clicked on over and read it. I truly believe this is a topic we need to talk about more.

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